Truth Is

I've been struggling alot lately with my depression and anxiety.  I don't know if it works, family, my mom or what but I'm guessing it's a combination of everything.

I hate to post anything negative in here for fear of what my loving bloggers might think, plus I try to be positive and who really wants to read a negative, depressed post.

Truth is my family, MY LIFE in fact are not perfect despite what my blog my entail.  My mother passed away in September and I'm still learning every day how to cope with it.  It's hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  Every thought, action, place I go is linked to memory I had of her or with her and reminds me not only of how much I wish she was her but how much I miss her. 

Truth is before my mom passed away we weren't as close as we once were. My mom and I were extremely close up until I was 18, she was my best friend.  Once I turned 18 or a little before alot of very personal things started happening with my moms health, finances and job and things went down hill very quickly.  In an effort to protect my brother and myself she pushed us both away at about 22.  From 22-24 things with my mom hardly exsisted and it broke my heart everyday, I'd call and sometimes she'd return it and sometimes it would take a month or months of calling for her to return a call.  We'd go out to eat, shopping or hang out and the whole months we'd missed, we'd act like never even happend.  We were going threw just one of those spells when my mother unexpectedly passed away.  My little brother (18) is somewhat less effected, him and my mom weren't all close most of his life.  I often wonder if I couldn't done something differently and my mom would be here today.  I'm guilty because maybe I didn't try hard enough to pull her out of her shell and see her more.

On top of that my father and I, were never close when my parents divorced I took my moms side.  It was blatently obvious, and when I had to start living with my dad after I moved out of my moms, onto an exs, onto campus and then to my dads things were strained to say the least.  I feel like my dad has been stuck with me because he had no other option, when he did we weren't close for whatever reasons.  Anyhow, our relationship has gotten much better but it is not without fault.  I still feel like athough I live with my grandparents he's stuck with me, trying to make an effort to heal my broken heart and make my pain go away.  I'll give him credit he really tries sometimes.  But he has his own issues were trying to work threw (my family, his wife and him) and it's less then an easy situation with no winners.

There you have it friends.. a look into my life.